It's Me.

Everyone that I’ve met, has been honest to me at some point, but there’s only one person that I’ve known for a long time, who has been honest with me since day one. He has yet to lie to me, and I can’t thank him enough for that.

Ironically enough, he hates my guts. He can’t stand talking to me for longer than 2 minutes, he hates the way I speak, the way I walk, live, the way I even breathe. Now, if everyone I met in my lifetime was even as half as honest as he is to me, then everything would make perfect sense. If half the guys I liked/dated were even a forth honest as he is, oh gawd.

The day he told me to get the fuck away from him, and leave him the fuck alone, I asked him why he hated me so much. This is what he said,

“I hate you, because your the type of girl who says she doesn’t give a shit, but cries herself to sleep every fucking night because you honestly do give a shit. The type who doesn’t take ‘No’ for an answer not because your stubborn but because you deny the fact that it really is a No. Every time I see you, I see a fake. That’s why I hate you.”

I’m a fake. I was a fake. Recently, I’ve been honest. About everything, to eveyone I’ve spoken to. Via whatever.

I don’t want to be that way anymore. Thanks, again, Zachery. This means a ton to me.

Soundtrack.

Sound tracks, I think that's what I've been making for my life. Every song I've listened to, I've listened to because I thought it best fit the moment I was living in. For every emotion I felt, I tried to find lyrics that sang all that I couldn't even find the words to say or whisper out of my own mouth.

Each voice that sang what I felt made me think about how much the artist has been through. How much courage it took to share their feelings, thoughts with complete and total strangers.

In middle school, every song I listened to, I attached small memories to, just like everyone does without noticing it. I had memories for every song then, some songs held so many memories, and some held none. Some held scents, or giggles that I remember every time I listened to it. Certain songs made me angry, frustrated, and bitter. While others made me cry and want to never remember anything ever again.

I know this sounds awfully cliche, but I miss just about every thing I used to do back in middle school, and I can't stop wishing that things would just go back to being the way they were then.

I was care free, in love every night and heart broken every morning, just to be loved and in love again that same night. All the laughs I had belted out with people I didn't even know so well, every picture I took with people who wouldn't remember me the next day. I miss that all.

Knowing that I wouldn't have been attached to anyone, or anything at that time. The only thing I ever attached myself to, was music. Every time I'd hear a song that brought back everything all at once, I'd sit there, and just take it all in. Breathing in everything I wasn't able to take back then, and try to understand what had happened, and why it had happened. Why people came, and why some of them left.

It's everything that comes back to me that makes me wonder about how much more I'll go through in the next some odd number of years to come. Who will I meet, and not what they'll mean to me, but how much will they mean to me. Will they make a difference in my life, or will they simply walk on by.

I want to know whats to come, just so that I know what to expect.... but knowing what's coming up ahead, won't make me ahead of anyone else in this world. I'll make sure that I'll continue to attach everything I feel, smell, experience to music. Songs that will make me feel glad that I'd lived such a long life in my old age.

I know that's something I'll never stop doing. Oh God, how much I love music.

Let Go.

I need more than just one escape. I hate having to rely on my mind to keep my mind off of whatever it is that’s stuck on my mind. There is no on I can speak with about anything, because I know that there is no possible way for them to see thing the way I do, no way that they can possibly know what I feel.

Or maybe I’ve been over thinking things again. Maybe this one person will know how I feel, will know what it’s like to be me because he too, had been there done that. Maybe he wont just be like the rest of them and say stupid cliche lines without the real meaning behind them.

I can’t believe I’m taking a complete stranger into consideration. I know what happens when I do this. It grows. From being “just friends” to me taking the wrong message and thinking, no, hoping that we’ll be more than just friends. That he does like me, and that I’m not just putting this thought into my head too have more false hope be grown.

oh geebus I’m going in circles again. = -=

ending this now.

[/shot]

My Heart Is In the Right Place.

For the first time in a long time, there are butterflies causing a fuss in my tummy.

I’m scared again, but I’m not sure I have the nerve to run away from this one.

I keep asking myself if I really want to go through with this.

You see, the whole process of falling in love is far too complicated for me.

You meet, you get to know one another, you find common ground and build from there.

I usually panic, and demolish everything that was built, then run away and try to forget everything and everyone who was involved with whatever happened, when it happened.

In other words, I’m afraid of commitment.

right? I’m not sure.

Beauty in the Break Down.

that's all you ever show me.
and i want to thank you for that.
for making me see the pretty in all this ugly.
for making me see that i myself am pretty in all this ugly.
thank you.

i really mean it this time around.
thank you.

I have these tired eyes all the time.

You are the reason I love losing sleep.
I'm not the one you hold on to though.

She's cute, that girl you like.
She's sweet, that girl you're with.
She's lucky, that girl there.


Were you ever involved? I doubt it.
I know I was. Even now.
Apparently, I'm a threat.
I'm sorry. Goodbye.

I've noticed.

That things have been changing since the moment I gave up on someone. I only gave up so that I could have a chance with someone else. That chance was taken by some other girl, and I was stuck in the same situation again.

Then I noticed that there are others out there. Plenty others. I’m not the only one who has gone through what I’ve been through, unfortunately.

I just need to wait things out, and stop rushing things, and pushing things onto people u_u

I’m a wreck. I’m fixing myself. I’m learning about myself. I’m living.

“I don’t want you to be forced into me, just because I’m into you.”